I didn't realize
by Interstella
Summary: I didn't realize that i loved him, untill he died. switches POV but mostly Goku Warnings: Bad language, death, and slash.-COMPLETE
1. Illness

I didn't realize

I didn't realize it at the time, but he really did care about me. Although he would still hit me if I

annoyed him, he was just trying to teach me. I didn't even realize just how much I cared about

him, until it was too late.

I didn't realize I loved him, until he died.

I still remember that day, five years ago, when we lost Sanzo. The day started off as normal, Gojyo

threw a pillow at me at two o'clock, complaining about my snoring. I never could get back to sleep

after that, so I went down stairs to get some breakfast. (I was starving to death!) In the kitchen,

I heard voices. Sanzo and Hakkai were already up.

"I know Hakkai, but what am I supposed to do about it. There's absolutely nothing anyone can do,

not even you can stop it now."

"You can't just accept it and move on! There must be some way of fighting it! You can't just give up

hope." Sanzo sighed. Nobody noticed me stood at the door.

"Tell me how to fight it and I will. But until you do, I'm going to have to accept the fact. And so are

you. There's nothing you can do. I'm dying, deal with it."

No! my sun can't die. I can't let him. There must be some way of fighting whatever it is he has. I

wont let Sanzo die. I can't let him die.

"How long do they think you have left?" Hakkai asked. He didn't like the answer, and neither did I.

"They don't think I'll survive tonight. They said I'm going to get very sick, and that I'll be in much

pain."

"Sanzo?" My voice was quivering. I was real scared.

Both Sanzo and Hakkai turned to me. I was shocked to see tears in Sanzo's eyes. Hakkai was

doing his best to hide his, but I could see he was crying too.

"What's going on? Why are you talking about dying? You're not going to die are you?"

Sanzo nodded slightly. "I have an illness. I wont last the night."

"NO!" I shook my head, "you can't die! I won't let you! I wont let you! You can't!" The tears that

came to my eyes stung. How could he be so accepting about it? Why wasn't he fighting like usual?

The Sanzo I knew would never let illness take him! I threw myself at him and began punching his

chest, being carful not to hit too hard. "You can't die!" I told him over and over, sobbing into his

robes.

What really surprised me, and also made it real for me was that Sanzo didn't push me away. He

actually hugged me. Above all else, this made it sink in.

Sanzo was going to die.

TBC


	2. Not going to happen

Upon returning to my room, I had decided to make sure that if Sanzo was to die tonight, he was

going to have the best day of his life. For once, I would do as he asked without question. Without

hesitation. But first, I needed to tell Gojyo.

"Gojyo," I said softly, shaking him awake. "Gojyo, I need to talk to you. Please, wake up."

"Wadda ya want, monkey?" Came his sleepy voice. "If it's not important, I'll kick your ass."

"Sanzo's gunna, I mean he's not gunna be..." I couldn't help it, I started crying again.

"Damn monkey, what the hell's wrong this time?"

"Sanzo's gunna die!" This got the red-head's attention.

"What the hell are you talking about? If Sanzo was going to die, he'd've told us."

"But he did tell me and Hakkai! He says the doctors say that he's not gonna make it through the

night!" I began to sob harder.

"Hey, hey! Stop that! Maybe it was just a misunderstanding! I'm gunna go talk to Sanzo, get this

cleared up. He's not going to die, you'll see." With that he left the room. He came back ten minutes

later with a dreadful look on his face.

"Damn monk!" The light caught his red eyes and I noticed the moister that was building up in them.

He was crying too. "He's known about this for days, and he wasn't going to tell us! That bastard!"

Gojyo took some of his anger out on the wall, leaving a fist sized hole. Then he sat on his bed and

looked ahead of him, not really noticing anything.

"Gojyo?" The older man looked at me. "Will you help me find a way to help Sanzo?" I saw that he

was going to refuse so I continued to talk. "Sanzo once told me that I shouldn't believe in anything

but myself. This time, I've decided to follow his advice. I'm not going to believe that there's nothing

anyone can do for him. There's gotta be something we can do! And I'm gunna find it! Are you with

me?" Dumbly, the half-blood nodded.

Then it was settled. We were going to help Sanzo, whether he liked it or not.

HAKKAI POV

Where were they? They had been gone all day. Both of them knew that Sanzo wasn't long for this

world, and what did they do? On the day of his death, they disappeared. Perhaps they just couldn't

face him on this day, or maybe they were afraid. I don't know. But it was awfully selfish of them.

Here Sanzo was, fighting for his life against an illness and they had abandoned him.

"Hakkai." Sanzo's voice was loosing its strength. The local doctors told me that he would be dead

before nightfall. I turned to my dying friend. "Where is... Goku?" He asked me weakly. Sadly, I

shook my head.

"I don't know. He left this morning with Gojyo. I've sent Jeep to find them, but he hasn't returned

yet. I'm sorry." Sanzo just grunted.

"You don't think... They've gone to... Pick up women... Do you?" He asked with a bark of laughter.

I chuckled. Suddenly the door to the room opened and our two companions walked in. "Sanzo,"

Goku declared, "I'm not gunna let you die." Behind him and Gojyo, another person entered.

"This is Meimai, she's a healer of the illness. She says she can help." The doctor was young, a little too young in my oppinion. She couldn't have been more than fifteen years old. Her hair was long

and red. It fell around her waist. "I am the only person in the region to have survived the illness."

She looked at Sanzo, and that was when I got my first look at her eyes. Her blood red eyes.

"You're a half-breed?" I asked before I could stop myself.

"Yes. Will that be a problem?" She asked defensively.

"No no no. Forgive me. It was just an observation." I told her, waving my hands infront of my chest

to show I meant no harm. She was Sanzo's last hope, I didn't want to insult her.

"Then you will let me do my work?" I nodded. "Then leave." She looked at our faces. We weren't

going to leave him alone with a stranger. She sighed. "Very well. One of you may stay. But anymore

will disrupt my technique." Goku and Gojyo looked at me.

"I will stay." Goku looked as though he would object to my statement, but Gojyo led him out before he

could do so. When we were alone, the girl sat beside Sanzo. By this time, the blonde priest was

unconscious with a fever.

Meimai spoke from her seat. "As I explained to your friends, I can only do so much. I can help him

rid himself of any other harmful bacteria, but only he can heal himself of the illness." So basically

what she was saying, was that she could let his immune system deal with just the illness.

She raised her hands and put them on either side of his head. She then closed her eyes and began

to concentrate. A pale pink light grew beneath her fingers, mush like the blue of my kii glows blue

when I am healing.

"This may take a while. Soon I shall become unresponsive. Should I fall unconscious or kii glow much

brighter, I will need you to remove my hands from his face. If you do not, we will both die." I agreed.

We sat there for several hours before I felt myself too tired to stay awake. I walked to the door and

opened it. As I expected, Goku and Gojyo were asleep in the corredor. I woke Goku and told him

what to watch for in Meimai. He promised to wake me, should anything happen.

Knowing that Goku would take good care of Sanzo and the healer, I settled down next to Gojyo

and fell asleep.

Goku woke me, not long after I went to sleep. He had tears in his eyes and he was supporting

Meimai. The young girl was exhausted. She collapsed next to me. "I am sorry." She whispered.

"I could give him another day, at most. But I could not save him." With that said, she closed her eyes

and slept. I looked at Goku. His expression was that of determination.

"Hakkai, take care of Gojyo, ok? And..." He paused to look at me. "Take care of yourself." He turned

on his heel and went back to Sanzo's room. He stopped at the door to talk. "I'm gunna need some

time alone with him. And... Good-bye." With that, he closed the door to his friend's room.

Good-bye? Why on earth would he say that... Unless... NO! I tried to open the door, but he'd locked

it, and he'd used the shield technique that I had taught him. There was no way for me to stop him.

"What's goin on?" Gojyo asked from behind me.

I answered without turning around. "Goku's going to save Sanzo. By transferring his life force."

"That's a good thing, isn't it? It means Sanzo'll be ok, right."

I finally turned to face my friend. He gasped at the tears in my eyes. "It means," I told him, "that Goku

will die to give Sanzo life."


	3. Awake!

My head was killing me. My body felt hot and cold at the same time. What the hell happened? Why did I feel like shit all of a sudden? Slowly, my memories returned. Goku walked in on my conversation with Hakkai. He had heard us talking about my illness. He had entered the room demanding that I promise something that I could not. He didn't want me to die... Then I remember sending him to bed, to get some more sleep and the next thing I know, Gojyo was demanding to know what was going on, why I had scared the monkey like that. Not believing that I really was sick, the kappa had taken some convincing. When he finally got it through his thick head that I was dying, he cursed several times and asked me why I was giving up. Then he left. They both left. I fought the pain for as long as I could. Just long enough to see Goku walk in the door. Then, after seeing my monkey one last time, I let myself fall.

And I didn't stop falling, until now. Now that I've stopped falling, I can feel the pain and weakness. But I can't feel the illness. It was gone from my body. I knew that much, what I didn't know was how. Forcing my eyes to open took me a while, but when I finally managed it, I wished I hadn't. The light that penetrated the closed curtains was bright enough to increase my headache ten-fold. Squinting, I noticed my surroundings. I was in my room at the inn. Goku was stood over me, a pale gold light shining from beneath his hands that were over my torso.

"Goku?" My voice was weak. The young man didn't seem to hear me. I tried again, this time, touching his arm. "Goku? What are you doing?" This time there was a response. Goku looked at me and smiled a ghost of a smile.

"You're gunna be ok. I told you I wouldn't let you die." He looked me in the eye. I gasped as I saw how empty they were, as if he'd lost his soul. "I'm glad I got to say good-bye." With that he collapsed on my bed.

Panicking, I yelled for help. "Hakkai! Gojyo!" I desperately looked at the door and saw a golden barrier. Had Goku created it? If so, why? The barrier dropped in a shower of sparkles. That was when Gojyo and Hakkai fell in.

"Sanzo?" I pointed at Goku.

"Help him!" A young woman walked in. She had dark red hair and eyes. "Who are you?"

"Meimai, your healer." I pointed to Goku.

"Then heal my Goku!" ... Had I really just referred to him as my Goku? No, I couldn't have... But I did. And it seemed Gojyo had noticed. Shit. Well, it didn't matter, as long as my Goku would recover. Damn it! Why did I keep doing that? Did I really consider him to be mine?

The healer sat beside Hakkai and began to help him heal the young man. Hours passed and I fell asleep. I was woken by Hakkai shaking me. He had a smile on his face. It wasn't fake like usual. This time the smile was real.

"Goku's going to be okay. He'll be tired for a while, and no doubt hungry when he wakes, but he will be ok." The healer sighed and looked me in the eyes. His smile had vanished and in its place was a deadly serious look. "I'm sorry."

Oh no. That's one thing you never want to hear from a healer. "For what? You said he'd be fine." I didn't quite manage to keep the distress from my voice.

"With time, he'll be ok. But he'll never be fine. I taught him how to heal like that, but we haven't finished our lessons. He knows how to begin the proces, but he can't stop it, or protect himself. He managed to heal you, but at a cost. His brain took some damage." Hakkai looked at the ground.

"Brain damage?" My voice was a shaky whisper.

"I'm afraid so. We can't be sure exactly what the damage will be, but we can't reverse it. I'm sorry."

And that was the first time I cried since my master died.


	4. Voices

Yahoo! I can fly! Wait a minute... I'm a monkey demon, I shouldn't be able to fly... And with that thought, I began to fall. I fell for so long that I forgot all I knew, every thing that happened in my life since I was taken from my prison disappeared from my head. How had I got here? Where was here? Hey! I'm awake! I opened my eyes slowly. Beside me there was a man with blonde hair. He looked at me and I noticed his purple eyes. Konzen! Wait, no... My memories were slow to respond. His name was... Sanzo!

I tried to call his name, but all that came out was air. What the hell was wrong with me? I tried again, but no sound escaped my mouth. I couldn't speak! Sanzo seemed to notice that something was wrong.

"Goku. What's wrong?"

I pointed to my mouth as I tried again to speak. Frowning the priest handed me a cup of water. I took a sip. The liquid burned my throat as it went down... And as it came up again. I winced as Sanzo looked into his now vomit-filled lap. I tried to apologize, I really did, but all that came out of my mouth was more vomit.

"Hakkai!" yelled Sanzo. I felt him put his hand on my head. He began to stroke my hair in an un-Sanzo like manner. He stopped when a man walked into the room.

"Goku!" The man called. He was familiar. I couldn't quite remember where I'd seen him before though. As if he read my mind, he asked. "Goku, do you know where you are?"

I shook my head.

"Hm, do you know who I am?"

Again I shook my head. I saw a hurt look in his eyes.

"Ok. Do you know who he is?" He pointed to Sanzo. I nodded my head. This confused the brown haired man. "Can you say your name?" I shook my head. I wanted to! I really did, but I couldn't.

"Ok, do you know your own name?" I nodded. "But you can't say it?" I shook my head. "Alright. What happens when you try to talk?" I pointed at Sanzo's lap. The brunette grimaced. "I see. Sanzo, why don't you go get cleaned up?" The blonde priest nodded and left.

"Ok Goku, hopefully your memories will return soon. That at least shouldn't be permanent. But I'm not sure if your voice will return. I made a distressed sound. I didn't want to not be able to talk! The man put a small chalk board and some chalk on my lap. "Until we find a better way, I'm afraid you'll have to use this to communicate. I nodded in understanding. I took the chalk and wrote with an unsteady hand.

'What is your name?' The man smiled sadly.

"Hakkai, Cho Hakkai." That struck a bell. He must have noticed that I was remembering something for he asked me. "Do you know me?"

'You were once the infamous Cho Gonou? You killed a thousand demons and turned into one yourself?'

"Yes, that's me. You remember?" I nodded.

'Hey Hakkai,"

"Yes?"

'I'm hungry.' My friend laughed.

"Then let's get you some food."


	5. Thesexyblondepriestfrombefore

He threw up on me. That bastard nearly killed himself to cure me of a fate I had long ago accepted. Then, when he was finally awake, after two days of unconsciousness, the first thing he did was throw up on me. Then he decided that he didn't know who Hakkai was, but he did know who I was. Why? Why did he know who I was, and not his healer? What was wrong with his memory? Would it come back? Or would he never remember who he was and what had happened to him? And why didn't he talk to me? Could he talk? What if that was the brain damage?

All these if's and what's and why's. I hated questions like that. I had to know how my monkey was doing. As I was about to leave the kitchen, Hakkai entered. He had a sad smile on his face.

"How is he?" Gojyo asked the question that I wanted answered.

"His memory seems to be returning, he seems to just need a little reminder every so often." The healer answered, looking at me as though I asked the question.

"That's good. But what about his voice?" I asked.

"What's wrong with his voice? Is Goku unable to talk? That makes a change." I could have shot him.

"He is unable to talk. I don't know if it's pertinent or not."

"So what are you doing down here? You should be with Goku, trying to heal him!" At this Hakkai smiled.

"He sent me down here to get food. Would you believe he's hungry?" Internally I smiled at that. Even with brain damage, he was still my Goku... Damn it!

Hakkai selected some of the pre-cooked meat and headed upstairs.

"Hakkai." I called after him. When he turned, I threw a banana at him. Goku hated fruit, especially bananas. "Make sure he eats it." Hakkai nodded and walked back to Goku's room.

When he returned, a few minutes later, he looked shocked. "Uh Sanzo, I think he wants to see you."

"You think?" How could he not know whether Goku wanted to see me or not?

"Well, you are the only blonde man here. And Goku asked to see the uh." Was he actually blushing?

"The what?" I growled out.

Hakkai answered and I wish he hadn't in front of Gojyo.

"Thesexyblondepriestfrombefore." Came the embarrassed, rushed sentence. Gojyo burst out laughing.

Oh shit. I felt a blush coming on. I decided to talk to Goku about that particular phrase. If he thought that just because he saved my life he wouldn't have to face the fan, he was sadly mistaken.

I climbed up to Goku's room. When I entered it, I was taken aback by the scene before me. The sun was rising in the distance and Goku was sat beside the window, watching it. The sun shone into his golden eyes

and the beauty of it was just breathtaking. Wait, did I just describe Goku's eyes as 'breathtakingly beautiful? What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I so attracted to the monkey all of a sudden? It must have

been the fact that he saved my life, yes, that was it. It must have been. Goku finally noticed that I was standing there. I noticed that Hakkai had supplied him with a chalk board.

'Sanzo. Are you ok?' He wrote. I nodded, still looking into his eyes.

'Then why are you looking at me like that?' Hastily I looked away.

"You wanted to talk?" I asked. I looked at him, only when the scratching of chalk stopped. Then I yelled for help. "Gojyo! Hakkai!"

A/N Nearly there people! Just one more chapter to go!


	6. Telling Koryu

A/N sorry folks! This is the last chapter... grab a hanky coz your gonna need it. Don't worry, the rest of my stories aren't as bad if you wanna read em... anybody into roleplay?

Here's the depressing end to I didn't realize... enjoy... and review?

As Sanzo looked into the distance, I wrote a reply. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw movement. I stopped writing and looked up. There, stood at the door, was a large person. He had a gun aimed at me. My heart froze. I had a feeling that that gun was a banishing gun. It was deadly to humans, and twice as deadly to demons. I was a demon. I heard Sanzo calling for Hakkai and Gojyo.

"Die demon scum!" The man yelled and fired his gun. My breath caught in my chest as I realized that I was about to die. I waited for the bullet to penetrate my skin, to go through my chest and kill me painfully. But the bullet never came.

As quick as a flash, Sanzo jumped in front of me, shooting our enemy as the bullet went through his own chest. I tried to scream, my voice wouldn't work, even now, when all I wanted to do was call for a healer.

Sanzo fell to the ground, a pool of blood forming around his chest. Quickly I slid off my bed and hurried to his side. I lifted his head on to my lap. His eyes were closed as I placed my hands over his wound. Tears obstructed my vision as I tried desperately to heal him. I couldn't let him down. I just couldn't.

"Goku," Sanzo whispered. "Stop. You're still not healed from last time." He smiled slightly. "Stop trying to kill yourself. It's not healthy." That bastard. Didn't he know it hurt like hell to watch him die, knowing full well that there was no way that I could heal him. He tried to speak, but only a gurgle escaped his lips. He tried again, and this time managed to say three words before he went limp and died in my arms.

By the time Gojyo and Hakkai reached my room, Sanzo was dead and I was dead on the inside.

I didn't tell them what his last words were, even after we found his diary, even when my voice returned. Now, five years later, we finally come home. We had stopped Gumaou in his name and for his memory. Even now, it still hurts to talk about him, but I do, for his memory.

Now, for the first time I am ready to say what his last words were, now, as I tell the story to Gojyo's son, Koryuu.

"And then he whispered three little words before he died in my arms."

"But master Goku, what were the words he said to you?"

"I love you."

THE END

-Snif snif- anybody else crying?

Thank you to all that reviewed to this story, very much apriciated. Love ya all!

Thank you for reading!


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